It's only Wednesday????

Well, how long has it been? Almost a month, I think. Wait, it’s gotta be longer than that. My leg is finally somewhat healed up. Of course it’s still a bit messed up, but it’s so much better. Oh, I’ll look to see when I got the text from that guy the morning after he helped me bandage my leg… Sunday, May 20. So, I hurt myself on May 19… yup, just over a month. Geez.

On another note, I have an old friend coming to visit me this weekend. We haven’t really hung out since we were… in 8th grade. Not even so much then, so probably 5th grade. I used to go to his house and play Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? on his computer. Man, I miss that game, I should totally google that and see if they still have that for computers that run much quicker now. I wanted to do the same with Oregon Trail, and my dad found a cd for me, and after I loaded it to play it, it moved so quick that you didn’t even have a chance to tell the computer to stop and rest or hunt while the wagon was moving. And the “hunting” part would last like a millisecond. Those were the best games ever. But yeah, it should be fun to hang out again.

I am so frustrated with work right now. Long story short, I had about a week to learn my new project before the person whose job I took over left the country for 2 weeks. Now contacts that she had aren’t getting back to me with info I need, and it’s not like I can just show up to the Pentagon and barge in their office. That’s kind of frowned upon. But this asshat won’t call me back and I have to have this presentation done by Friday. Damn government types. But no one really cares about that. So I’ll just tell a joke.

3 men- an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman- are at the top of a mountain and they find a genie bottle. The genie pops out and says “For finding me, I will grant you 3 wishes. Since there are three of you, I will grant one to each. Think of something that you want most in this world- jump off of this cliff and you will land in a neverending heap of it.”
The Englishman jumps off and screams “Gooooollllllddddd!” and he lands in a huge pile of gold, more than he could ever spend in his life.
The Scotsman jumps off and screams “Siiiillllllllvvvvveeeerrrr!” and sure enough, he lands in a mountain of silver.
The Irishman jumps off and yells “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!”

RIP, Giz.

My poor doggie was put to sleep. Today is his birthday and he would have been 15. He was a little Shih Tzu (I say little but he was a little on the chubby side, hair cut short to make him look more like a little Ewok than the Gremlin that he was named after) and he was the best dog ever. He was my first dog and my parents have often said that they treat him (and our other dog, Milo, who is also a Shih Tzu, but is much smaller at only 6 pounds) like their children. They were essentially my brothers growing up, according to my parents, as I have no siblings. My mom was in tears when she told me and my dad couldn't even speak. Milo is apparently moping around the house, looking for Gizmo, and we're thinking that he may go at any time too because he's somewhere around 11-12 years old and has been around Giz his whole life. One of the saddest things I've dealt with in the past while, I'll tell you that. I put up an away message that night that if anyone believed in Doggie Heaven that they say a little prayer for him. The boy did, and I hope that if any of you read this, you'll do the same.

But yeah, it sucks, I saw a Shih Tzu being walked when I was on the way to the metro this morning. It's amazing how integrated into the family pets can be. Now, I have had a few pets in my life. My first pet was a guinea pig named UmpUmp (named because I was 1 1/2 at the time and when I heard the Old MacDonald song I couldn't say Oink Oink for the pig and could only say Ump Ump, and since he was a guinea PIG... yeah) and I had some pets in college. A bets named Lawrence that I kept for a few years (that fish traveled in my car so much), a couple of aquariums of really cool fish, and then Cale and I had an iguana for about a year as well named Ivan. And I am leaving one out to make my point- we had a cat named Muffy. I don't really remember how old I was, but figure I was about 5, as we moved from our old house when I was 7 and we didn't have the cat when we moved. Not only was my dad allergic to Muffy, but Muffy was a BITCH. I mean, scratching people, scratching furniture, basically just being a huge pain in the ass. So my parents gave her away, as they didn't want to have her when we moved. Well. A few years ago I was home from college (I think I was in Belfast at this point) and I remember being in the living room, decorating a bit with my mom. I found some old pictures that I was thumbing through and I found one of Muffy and my mom said "Oh, I'm so glad we had that thing put down." *GASP!* I mean, if I think about it, of course it was obvious that they put her down. But I guess I just didn't want to think about it and I was happy with the way that was explained to me and I was happy to be blissfully ignorant. Well, I was CHOOSING to be ignorant, if that makes any sense. That I was basically ignoring what I knew to be true. It still hurt to hear though. I really did gasp out loud and my mom's eyes got SO wide and she covered her mouth... and then we were in hysterics. Alas, it was not the case this time. So I'm sending this wish out into the netherworld of the internet- Giz, you were the best dog and I'm so glad that I chose you out of all of your brothers and sisters. I love you and will miss you and will think of you often as I grow old. I'm just sorry that I wasn't there at the end. I hope that you're in a doggie heaven where you can eat all of the beggin strips and vanilla yogurt drops you can handle. I love you.

The Metro can eat my ass.

So I was on the metro this morning going to work... well, who am I kidding, it was like 10am... and although it was pretty hot outside, I'm pretty sure the metro car's temperature was slightly 10 degrees cooler than "hell" on the Farenheit scale. It reminded me of those old, small churches in the South on hot summer days that you see in movies, like Forrest Gump. The only thing missing was an usher in white gloves passing out fans with Mahalia Jackson on one side and an ad for a funeral home on the other. Now, I think of myself as a person that doesn't discriminate against anyone. But this was a morning that I felt a little something against large people. I mean, I didn't want a big body pressed up against me when I was already hot on my own. It's like Russian Roulette when you're pulling into the train stops... like, damn, don't let that person sit next to me... whew... come on, skinny person! It worked out though- I sat by myself for most of the journey, and when I did sit by someone, it was a moderately thin girl who didn't smell bad. Had someone larger sat next to me, I wouldn't be writing this right now, and you'd be hearing- hey, did you hear about Jen? She died of heat stroke. Yeah, I hear they had to peel her off of some woman named Gladys' arm at Farragut North. It was like velcro!

On another note, here is something that I never thought I'd say. I am a... sports fan. I know! What the hell. Before, if people asked me if I was a sports fan, I'd say no, but I like Gatorade okay, that's about it. But last night I watched the NBA East Game 4... at home... by choice! I especially never thought I'd like basketball. I guess it took me actually going to a game before I started to like it, and that was only towards the beginning of this year. So, I have officially seen pro basketball games, hockey games, soccer games, and baseball games. I still think baseball sucks though.

I feel a little guilty today. There is about 1-2 days per month where I am, well, let's just say that I'm not the nicest person in the world. So what, I figure, it happens to most girls. Well last night was the night that my hormones decided to rear its ugly head... of course it was the night that the boy came over, after picking up dinner and flowers for me. I'm such a bitch and feel horribly guilty about it now. So I'm sending these thoughts northward, towards DC from Old Town... I'm sorry. :-(

I swear I'm not on happy pills.

What is this that I'm feeling? Cramps? Anxiety? A headache coming on? Confusion? Is the valium I took before my dentist appointment last night still in my system? Hunger? Who's hungry? Wait, I think I get it now.... I'm.... happy. It's been creeping up on me for awhile now, at least a few months... and I think I've actually figured it out. I'm happy. I love just about every aspect and every significant player that factors into my life. Not only am I happy, but I'm comfortable. I was pretty much the exact opposite last year- enough so that I fucked off to Belfast on a very last-minute whim and tried to find a job there because my life here sucked bigtime. People have told me that there are reasons for things happening in peoples' lives, and I haven't believed them. I still don't believe in things happening for a reason, but I can see how they would think that now. It's just so weird how my life has changed- for the better- in all sorts of strange ways. And it's only May. I can only imagine what will happen if it keeps heading in this direction. Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket. On a side note, if you're reading this and are one of the people that have made my life what it is right now, from the bottom of my heart- thank you.

I HATE the summer. Warm weather, to be exact.

I had to break down and buy a personal fan for the metro. It looks like I have a thyroid problem or something. But it's just so damn hot... and it's not even really the summer yet! It's not really summer because 1, it's about 80 degrees, and 2, my hair is actually behaving itself. My hair never looks like this when it's warm outside... thank you, SunSilk Anti-Poof. Seriously.

You know what I hate? People who don't respond when you ask how they're doing. For instance, a coworker just walked by and said hello, I said "Hi, how're ya doing?" and they just kept walking. Ew.

So, my parents were up this weekend. It was also a weekend where I got invited to do lots of fun things, like go to Adams Morgan with some coworkers and to a Nats game with an old coworker and her apparent new best friend, some girl who has a horse. I have to admit, that's damn cool. My parents drove me absolutely f-ing NUTS though. I don't know what it is, but because they try to help (a little TOO much) and "get all up in my bid-ness", as the boy said, that I would just lash out all of the time. Mostly at my mom. I wasn't allowed into one of the Smithsonians this weekend because I had a swiss army knife (very small) on my keychain, and so I was frustrated. I asked them what they wanted to do and we were literally standing on a street corner, trying to figure it out for like 10 minutes! So frustrating. Of course the boy called at that very moment, so I yelled at him and just about hung up on him. I felt awful. But it's this complicated relationship I have with my parents. Maybe if I had a sibling it wouldn't be as bad- they wouldn't be so focused on what I'm doing, who I'm seeing, etc. One of the first things they did when they got to my new apartment (which they aren't fond of) was to switch around my furniture. No joke. Deep breaths.

Booya.

Things you forget to say will haunt you. (Bonus points if you know what song that's from.)

Timing is everything, yeah? Don't I know it.

Anywho, I'd like to share with y'all my new obsession: MetroMint water. Ohhhh it's so good. It's water with a hint of either peppermint or spearmint, unsweetened. I know they have it at Whole Foods, that's where I've been getting it. But you have to try it, it's fantastic.

I am lost in a world of acronyms, most of which I don't understand. The FEA BRM, e-Gov's LoBs. Crap like that. The best part is, I'm tasked with writing an intro to explain what they all are and, more specifically, what OURS is. Um. Yeah. On another sad note, I lost one of my favorite earrings this weekend. A gold hoop with diamonds along it. And of course, it was one of the few pieces I own that wasn't insured. Blast!

I'm running out of time on my lunch break, so I'll just say one last thing- have to give HUGE props to the boy. In the time since we met up again last fall, I have lost a job, moved house, and just got over an "incident" where my hormones were going absolutely haywire and I was a total bitch for about 5 days straight. Not to mention, I'm also pretty positive I've gained weight in those 6 months. Needless to say, during that time I've had some of the lowest points I've ever had in my life. And I've received little more than an eye roll from him during these times that I'm acting crazy. That's crazy in itself. But I'm definitely not complaining... quite the opposite. I found a good egg. :-)

Not any better.

So I'm not feeling any better, but that's beside the point.

You know what I really hate? When people I know ruin things for me. For instance, there are certain people that I just generally dislike. So I will automatically dislike anyone else I meet that has their same name, even though I understand how irrational that is. Or, when a certain song that I hear reminds me of someone, no matter how significant their impact was on my life, and then it gets me in a mood. Sometimes it'll be a good one, if I like the person or enjoy(ed) the time I had with them. But a song just came on (there are 2 songs that can do this to me) that made me think about a certain person that I'll call Blondie. The problem is, the song doesn't make me sad as such, but it reminds me of him and how I think that our "relationship" has some unfinished business. That's not saying that I would want to go out with him even if I was single, or even remotely like him in that way. It's not like that. It's just a friend that I haven't seen in a long time and we didn't leave things in a good way the last time we spoke. I guess I just feel bad about that. You wanna know what? Fuck it. I've got more important things to worry about. Like trying to find some work to do today.

This is not good.

I don't feel well. And there's something else going on that is not letting me get any work done or, frankly, think about much else. Come on, come on. Nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all, the needle returns to the start of the song and we'll all sing along like before... is it the weekend yet???

They're onto me...

I saw the weird guy with the dog walking into the office again today. This is getting ridiculous.

There are two people in my office who don't know when conversations are over. Nothing will be said, and I'll kind of look away and say "Well..." and they still just stand there with a stupid grin on their faces. It makes me so uncomfortable! The one face seriously has a Stephen King book-like quality to it, too. *shivers*

Who, by the way, just came by to tell me to stop work on something I've been working on for the past 5 days because the contract is being revised. Ugh.

Her: "Do you actually have any writing experience at ALL?"
Me: "...How do you mean? Like, research papers? If so, yeah, I wrote a lot in undergrad and grad school."
Her: "Hrrumph."

So, just because I never wrote about anything dealing with computer programs or technical concepts, guess that means I can't write at all. Doesn't do too much for my professional confidence.

On another note... my hair went from being quite dark to kind of a light copper over the weekend. Interesting, I know. No one at work has said anything at all to me about it... they HAD to have noticed. So I guess that means they don't like it, right? Otherwise they'd say something.

This blog has been filled with so much self-doubt, it's unreal. I need to think of the lyrics of one of my favorite songs (by Ari Hest)...

My mother once told me
The thicker your skin
The better off you'll be when this world brings you down
Well it's trying to control me
And leave me without hope
In the past I've been burned
But I've lived and I've learned

When I heard their reservations
When I heard their bitter words
I shined a light upon their wisdom no matter how absurd
And it broke my heart to pieces
And I questioned my own beliefs
My dignity was gone
But it's time to move on

Beneath the shelter of the pouring rain
In the absence of this fear and pain
I will finally big this ball and chain
A fond farewell
On the road that leads me to my place
I'm gonna rid my heart of past disgrace
I will finally bid this sluggish pace
A fond farewell



Makes me feel a bit better anyways.

I'm a fraud

Work is hard. They think I'm a lot smarter than I actually am. It's scary writing things that will go to national agencies... about things that I have just learned about through some last-minute research... I'm glad at least THEY have confidence in me, even if it is a little misplaced, because I don't.

I have been trying to figure out a happy hour tonight with some people, and I received this sentence in a reply email: "Your emails are hilarious; it is basically your entire train of thought." I guess I do tend to ramble. Case in point: this site.

I slept 12 hours last night. I haven't slept that much since I was uber-sick in college and my parents even had to drive in from Ohio to take care of me for a few days. I started sleeping around 5:30 after I got home from work (thought: I think I'll just take a small nap, then get up and unpack some of my computer stuff) and aside from a 1-minute phone call from the boy around 7:30, I slept until my alarm went off this morning at 6. Unreal. But, I feel a lot better and now hopefully I'll be totally recharged for tonight and the weekend. As long as the cold that Grace gave me does away! (bitch.)

On another note, I was just in the elevator and saw this guy that my coworkers and I have seen before. He's old (has white hair) and wears suits, and has a buzz cut except for this REALLY long braided rat tail that goes halfway down his back. And he carries around a poodle with him. All of the time. Strangest MFer I've ever seen in this area.

Crash and Burn

Before I talk about my night and whatnot, I have a question- for all of you that use the metro to commute to work... don't you feel sorry for the Examiner guy? There's the loud and friendly Express guy that is handing out free papers left and right, and then the poor Examiner is just standing there with a pathetic look on his face because no one wants his crappy paper. But, that Express guy by Cleveland Park is almost as cool as the guy who plays trumpet outside of Union Station, between it and the Capitol- both make my morning just a little bit nicer. Poor old Examiner dude. Maybe I'll get your paper tomorrow... but probably not.

Well, my friends said that it was coming, and sure enough, last night, it did. I crashed. After being slightly more and more delirious each day with little sleep, I almost fell asleep around 1pm yesterday at my desk. I got a second wind after work, but then just about passed out again during my Arabic tutorial. I then sat on a couch at the boy's place (he asked me if I had a nickname in my blog for him yet, and I said no... I sitll can't come up with one, so I'll just call him "the boy" until I think of something good) for about an hour-ish and was pretty languid... all conversation/personality was just stripped from me. Not because I wanted to be quiet. I had things to say, none of which were really important, but still. I just couldn't physically form the words, I was so tired. That, and I wasn't feeling too great, either. It's regrettable because he'll be out of town until next week, but things happen, I guess. Doesn't make me feel any better about it... I should have taken more advantage of the time, even if I felt awful. But, I'm somewhat recharged after sleeping last night. I'm skipping football practice tonight to sleep, too... I'm totally rambling on, but at least I'm not absolutely delirious like I have been at work the past few days and at the hockey game. My coworkers were looking at me as if I was on something serious.

I was having a few problems with a work assignment yesterday (I was given an assignment with no clear direction) and after being told it was wrong but was given no other feedback, I voiced my concerns... just to hear "Hahahaha, well, there's a pretty big learning curve here, huh?" and then the boss walked out of the room. Whaaaa? What did I get myself into? But, on that note, I am off to donate some money upstairs so that I can wear jeans tomorrow (yay!) and finally get to work. Sorry my life is so boring right now.

Silly Canadians and their sports...

So, I went to the Caps/Pens game last night. And I saw 2 midgets. Not even at the same time- one at the Chinatown metro stop and another one when I was walking past Magruder's on my way home. I don't think I've ever seen one in my life, and I saw 2 yesterday. Strange. The game was good though- 3 fights, Pens won. Plus we all grabbed free hotdogs when we left the stadium. Mmmmmm.

I got an email from someone today that made me feel... sad. It was from someone named Cracker who I haven't treated very well since the day I first met him, but he still bends over backwards to do things for me and be nice to me. I don't know what it is about him, but something just irks me after spending all of 10 minutes with the guy. I don't feel that I'm a bad person, but he somehow just brings out the worst in me. Is it because he just gives me whatever I want and/or need and I feel that he's a pushover? That he tends to my wishes and I find that overbearing? I don't know. But this is an excerpt of the (long) email that I received this morning:

"I’m driving home form work on Monday evening, and the sun is setting just over the hills in front of me. Monday was a very long day, but let’s not get into that. Anyway this sunset was really a rather outstanding scene, and then to top all that off, they start playing the new Mumra single on the radio. I think it’s a cover of a Smiths song, but don’t quote me on that. I couldn’t help feeling all warm and fuzzy on the inside thinking about this crazy American girl I used to know."

That's because I went to see The Automatic with him and Mumra opened. Sigh. Okay, confession: he gave me a tv once and I just stopped talking to him about a week later by avoiding phone calls and visits. Kept the tv. Isn't that awful?? A year later, he decided to email me to see how I was, and since it wasn't like we ever dated or anything, I just thought it was nice that an old "friend" could forgive the way I behaved just to see how I was doing. Things were fine over intermittent emails, but when I went to visit his area (and he took the whole week off of work) my behavior went back to being horrible. That's one of the biggest regrets I have... but I can't help myself. He is the only person in the world that just irritates me so much that I have to act that way, but I keep trying and keep emailing because I want that to change. And it doesn't. And I don't know what's wrong with me... I'm not a bad person, I swear!!! Maybe it's true, that girls like assholes better. I mean, that isn't true about who I'm with now (who is one of the nicest people I've ever met before in my life), but maybe if Cracker stopped sending me nice emails and mailing me lemon Polos and sending me cards for the hell of it, would I feel any different? Maybe I'd be nicer because I wouldn't feel smothered by someone who is just trying to be a good friend? Which brings up another thought- he's doing the same things that I tend to do for people... am I an overbearing friend? Do people hate me for the same reasons???

They all come back

Is it something in the air? Is my happiness giving off a signal that makes people from my past want to be a part of it? In the past 5 days, I have been contacted by Two Cents (my last boyfriend), Cale (my college live-in boyfriend), Brill (a guy I dated just before leaving Belfast) and Major (a guy who- get this- wanted to date me last Spring, even though he had a 12-year-old daughter and still lived with his ex-wife). Two Cents, Cale and Brill just wanted to see how I was doing, as they were recently thinking about me for some reason, and Major wants to buy me a drink before he is shipped off to Iraq. Which makes me want to give in and say okay, but that would just be weird... How did I meet this winner? Well.

Last summer was deemed the Summer I Got My Groove Back, according to Dagger. I was at Murphy's one night with Dagger and Minnie when I started talking to a crazy girl from the Naval Academy and her Marine friend. Before I knew it, I was sitting at a table full of Marines and having a great time. The girl from the Naval Academy and I hung out a good deal during the next month. We went to Sine's one time in Pentagon City, and when I returned from a trip to the bathroom, she had seated herself at a table full of Air Force pilots, who were dressed in their flight suits, by the way. One guy asked me if I had ever been on a motorcycle, and when I said no, he took me for a spin around the parking lot. He asked if I'd like to go on a ride sometime, and I figured that could be fun, so I said yes. I didn't realize that the ride would mean a 2-mile ride to Old Town for lunch. What is it with old men taking me to lunch/dinner when I don't realize that's their intention??? Well he has been texting me ever since, even though I told him I didn't care to hang out with him anymore- it was just too weird. But, that being said, I feel bad for not grabbing a pint with him before he heads off to Iraq. Oh well.

Some people need to realize that others cut ties with them for a reason. If something ends in such a fucked-up way and then you don't speak for awhile, just leave it. You have your own life, and I'm slowly but surely (actually, not that slowly, come to think about it) building a new and happy life for myself. The last thing I need is to get sidetracked by wondering why you're contacting me, how I should politely decline a pint, or why you think I would want to talk to you after you hurt me in many different ways. I don't care that much anymore, but I still don't really want to be reminded of it... you know? I have more important things to think about... like how I'm going to get everything unpacked.

But, here's just a bit of an email I received from Brill that I think is hilarious... "Hope you will be back on the little isle at some point and we can meet up and get subtly drunk on wonderous ales." Not much chance of that happening. Meeting up with him, I mean, not drinking in Belfast.